A DAY IN THE LIFE (OF A BINGER)

I never knew that binge eating, anorexia, and compulsive overeating were all manifestations of the same disease- food addiction. In fact, for most of the years of my young life I did not even know that food addiction existed, or that it was a problem. I lived the problem day in and out, on and off the scales, on and off diets, and up and down emotionally with the variances of my weight. But I had never heard of this as a problem.

Thankfully, I was never a binger or a starver. I was an all day nibbler- but I was just as driven. Hovering at the treats table at a party was my thing, and I had it down to a science. If you were slow and nonchalant about it, no-one would really know how much you had eaten.

As I look back, I wasn't even in denial. I just did not know there was anything to deny. Addiction- all addiction- is a body, mind, spirit phenomenon. In food addiction, you crave the many elements of food that are chemically addicting (sugar, wheat, flour) but you also crave the feeling of complete and utter numbness that comes with it. I came to peace with food in a program called Overeater's Anonymous. I finally succumbed to allowing others to help me, and eventually, of my own choice, I gave up eating all sugar wheat and flour products.

Here is an excerpt from a anonymous story I found. Although many of us may not be this extreme, there is no saying that we may not get there. Addiction, all addiction, is progressive and gets worse as time goes by. I hope this person's story will help you understand the very real and killing problem of food addiction.

The streets team with activity. Business beckons. Individual people focus on their individual purpose. I am without real purpose on this Manhattan avenue here on a downswing of another mindless burst of loose energy. My forces have dissipated. I feel the edge of the gray cloud of a binge. I ignore it: I push it away to focus instead on the glamor of the shop windows and the glitter of the street vendors' wares. I walk; half looking for a subway, half addressing the feeling that is now nagging-tapping me on the shoulder like the haunted ghosts of memories buried alive. It's useless to fight it now. I check the time; 10:20 a.m. I have about an hour to purge myself of the horror about to come.

The gourmet deli is before me. Muffins, croissants, and delicate pastries beckon me with thier cloying scent. A real 'city binge' I think crazily, comparing with the Hostess and Drakes binges of the Queens. I buy a large chocolate mile, a buttered bagel, a peanut butter cookie, and a tremendous chocolate chip muffin. I pay quickly, counting neither what I offer, nor the change. The numbness is starting.

I leave the store and tear the wrapper from whatever is on top. The bagel. I need the milk. All is geared to bringing it up later. Eating and drinking, I stop at another deli. Everything goes back in the bag as I enter the store. More mindless choices. Another bagel, a chocolate croissant, some pastries. I leave continuing to eat, thinking of nothing else.

The people along the next few blocks see me eating. I make no eye contact. They see me eating something. I entertain the notion that they meet up with each other at some point and compare notes. I am aware of the absurdity of the thought. One more stop before I hit the subway. A few more pastries, a couple of buttered rolls and another drink. She overcharges me but I ignore this. It's interrupting the binge.

Now consider that a compulsive eater does much the same thing- but he or she keeps it down and lives with the bloated, sick feelings. Consider also that an anorexic does not eat- for fear that the food will take him or her over. If you consider all of that, you can sort of get a picture of food addiction.

Please stay tuned, as I will continue this story in my next entry.